You're Not Unlucky in Love. You're Repeating a Pattern.

Why do I get so infatuated?

If your head is occupied by someone who keeps you hanging, this can leave you feeling frustrated and exhausted. If they haven't got back to you in days it can leave you feeling demotivated and even unwell. You may have believed that you found “the one”, only for their replies to have become increasingly sporadic, dwindling to nothing. You may even start to believe this is just how it goes for you. If you have been ghosted suddenly, your date is choosing poor communication over authentic engagement, which can trigger your insecurities.

How did I become so infatuated?

It may be unclear to us as to why we allow ourselves to fall headlong into loving a person, seemingly without the ability to pull ourselves back, even if there are signs of problematic behaviour on their part. Our own unmet needs influence how we see others and what we expect for ourselves. The initial attraction our date has for us provides us with proof that we are worthy - and we want more. They become our potential path to happiness, and we find ourselves idealising our date, seeing them through a single dimensional lens - filling in the gaps around what we actually know of them. 

We create a fantasy of that person which becomes more relevant to us than the person themselves. For example, you may find your mind occupied with thoughts about them 24/7, from enjoying restaurants all the way to your future life together. Our version of who they are may not be accurate and we may miss information that they are actually telling us through their behaviour, facial expressions, or their words. We may feel protective of them when our friends and family speak unfavourably of them or do not warm to them.

Why do I see them as so desirable that I can't do without them?

In creating them as our ideal partner before we truly know them, we save ourselves, at least in the short term, from the potential pain of discovering that they could hurt or disappoint us. To protect ourselves from this, we make them “perfect”.  The more “perfect” we make them, the more desirable they seem, the more afraid we become of losing them and feeling abandoned and rejected as a result. The more we think about them and how lovely they are, the more we rely on them to provide us the good feelings of acceptance, companionship, reassurance and emotional support, if only in our minds.

If we have developed a particularly strong infatuation, they may sense that we don't actually see them - instead, we are thinking about someone else (the version of them that isn't actually them), or they may feel a lot of pressure to be something they aren't. As the relationship continues (even for a few dates), once they are established in our minds as that perfect person, they will let us down, not only because they can't possibly be the version we have created them to be, but also because they are not as invested as we are - after all, they haven't spent hours thinking about us in the same way. 

How does our pattern of loving someone unquestioningly develop?

This occurs as a result of our life experiences from our formative years and early infancy, where attachment behaviours and the way we see ourselves in relation to others develops. We may grow up believing it is our responsibility to soothe or manage the emotional pain of others, or “fix” situations and solutionise on behalf of others, believing it’s expected or feeling guilty if we do not. We may become accustomed to giving too much, mistakenly believing that others need us to do this. Many of us grow up and have experiences such as being dismissed, ignored, ridiculed etc, this can result in us feeling insecure, inferior, and “othered”. 

When we believe this is just who we are and what we can expect from relationships, we behave accordingly. Our learned behaviours of people pleasing, impostor syndrome, forsaking our own needs in favour of others cycles through our relationships. Despite being successful and achieving in many areas of life (e.g. we may be popular, achieve our goals easily at work, or find networking a breeze socially and professionally), we may still believe deep down that our needs are not as important nor worthy as those of others, and we may unconsciously attract others that believe this about us too. If we are used to minimising or devaluing ourselves and our own needs and suppressing our emotions, we may revere others unnecessarily and may not recognise detrimental behaviours such as dismissiveness, secrecy, manipulation etc.

Why do I keep choosing unsuitable partners?

Our formative life experiences become deeply established in our way of being and our unmet needs inform how we respond and relate to others. When another person’s behaviour towards us triggers our deeply held beliefs, our conditioning is activated. We are unconsciously aware of a sense of familiarity, which could be confused with “safety”. We become stuck in the cycle of wanting and needing love, reassurance and understanding from the other person, complimented by the denial of our genuine emotions when our needs aren't met. In these continuing patterns of behaviour we are actually trying to solve the problem by trying to get the other person to acknowledge or understand us. This causes us to become more invested as we run through scenarios with them in our head, we experience an increasing sense of longing for them and become more attached, confusing this passion as “love”, believing that we need them - and only them - and we cannot let them go. You might feel that they don't love you like you need to be loved, which can trigger your attachment behaviours and cause anxiety.  

What circumstances drive me into an unsuitable relationship?

A state of uncertainty may cause us to overlook our genuine needs in favour of the instant gratification of romantic attraction, whilst neglecting our focus on the nourishing building blocks that support helpful choices that facilitate our wellbeing.

Any situation that causes us to feel insecure can trigger a more urgent need for reassurance, affection, companionship and a sense of connection - and the most readily available form of this is from a romantic partner. We can feel off-centre due to problems in our lives stemming from work, family and social lives. Unmet social needs, even if we have a wide social network, can create a feeling of loneliness which we seek to discharge. We may engage in compulsive, soothing behaviors to manage difficult emotions, such as overspending, substance and any other addictions, scrolling, anxiety behaviours such as catastrophising and comparing ourselves. These behaviours may protect us from our uncomfortable emotions in the short term, but also may increase our need for the validation of a romantic relationship. We may confuse a physically intimate relationship with someone caring about us.

How do I stop choosing unsuitable partners?

In attending to our unmet needs, we need to understand why those needs are unmet in the first place. Work with a therapist https://www.theathenapractice.co.uk/contact-consultation to understand your unique conditioning and self concept in relation to others. Such understanding can help you to realise you no longer need to relate in unhelpful ways, and allow you to choose to behave differently from the past. Therapy can help to uncover your true emotions, (often suppressed) different to your emotions born of an anxious process. Understanding your emotions is the key to conquering anxiety and self doubt. Developing this ability will help you trust your “gut” and make the decisions that support your wellbeing. Use your therapy sessions to learn how to lessen and control anxious rumination and how to recognise your compulsive behaviours. It may be useful to replace those compulsive behaviours with practical, productive habits (eg exercise, committing to learning something new, keeping your living space tidy, finding a new hobby etc).

Working with your therapist can help you work out the answers to such questions as: Are there friendships I need to reassess? Do I need to be more authentic? Or more assertive? Do I need to practice more self compassion and self acceptance? What is missing in my life right now, what do I need? What am I doing wrong? What am I really feeling right now?

Develop non romantic relationships that nourish you and your ability to be completely authentic. If these relationships are lacking in your life, seek out new ones through connection over shared interests. Accept those friendships that don't provide you with true meaning for what they are, and focus your attention elsewhere. Share your emotional state (your experience), without dumping the detail of your anxious thoughts (your process) on your friends. For example, your experience is “I’m worried because I have to move house in a month”, your process might be “my business might not make as many sales this month and what if I won’t have enough money to find the house I want”. If you're not sure of the difference between your experience and your process, work with your therapist to help you recognise this.

If you are dating, be realistic - enjoy your dates for what they are - an opportunity to enjoy spending time with, and getting to know a person, rather than looking to fit them into the role of “the one”. Bring yourself to your dates, if you try to fit with what you think the other person wants, it will prevent you from connecting with them and they will feel it. If you feel you have to perform on a date, ask yourself, why do I do this, and what am I hoping to achieve long term from it?

If you feel resentful or insecure in your relationship, share with your partner what you want and need from them. If fear of them leaving prevents you from doing so, accept your relationship won’t change.

If you find yourself instantly enamoured with an idea of who you are dating, it may be that they have engineered this to happen, consciously or unconsciously. If you have been disregarded or ghosted, this isn't your fault, it could be more about their people pleasing, fear of commitment or inability to be authentic, take responsibility or make the effort in their relationships.

If you feel like you are always the one putting more effort into relationships, work with a therapist to identify and challenge your deep rooted negative core beliefs and be more accepting of yourself. Contact Kirstie at https://www.theathenapractice.co.uk/contact-consultation