The Lost Boys: Understanding and reclaiming the young men the Manosphere preys upon

What is the purpose of the Manosphere?

As we see on Louis Theroux’s documentary “Inside the Manosphere”, we have grown so used to living our experience through our emotions, rather than observing ourselves and what is going on around us, that we get caught up in the controversy and indignance of the Manosphere, instead of observing what influencers in the Manosphere are trying to achieve.  The documentary reveals that the Manosphere exists to maintain the lifestyle of those most prominent within it, whilst our young men are being exploited.

Why are young men attracted to the Manosphere?

Some of the ideals make sense, and these views are traditional and generally acceptable. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be attractive and being attracted to beauty, and it is desirable for a man to take control of his circumstances and make decisions to support his goal of achieving financial success. It is natural he would then seek to attract the woman of his dreams and provide her with security and she feel confident to align herself with him and provide him with children and maintain a beautiful home for them to enjoy and a satisfying sexual relationship for his and her enjoyment.  If he can achieve this then he can feel the success, satisfaction and contentment that he is reaching his manly potential. It is also natural for younger men to look to older men who appear to be successful in this regard.

How are young men exploited by the Manosphere?

Louis Theroux’s documentary reveals a primary objective of financial gain, with influencers selling the dream of a fabulous life. The influencers appear to exaggerate their misogyny publicly whilst also appearing to curtail their views or speak cautiously around their female partners. The toxic elements, shock tactics and the extreme views concerning female subjugation and derision, are the rage bait that exploits a young man’s fear of a lack of success, the dream of which for many seems to grow increasingly distant. The financial difficulty in buying a house, supporting a family and having a comfortable life looms large and anxiety develops. The various racisms, cultural phobias and the attacking of established systems stemming from terrorist threats, covid pandemic, poor political management, and recent wars, displaced persons and illegal migration among others demonstrate societal anxiety and highlight that people experiencing uncertainty need somewhere to direct their fear and anger, choosing soft targets that often don't fight back. The Manosphere provides this avenue for young men to project their fear and anger at the “system” that is failing them, and rather than take the responsibility required to work with what they have and create a good life for themselves, blame women for their perceived failures. Without strong male role models who demonstrate respect for women and offer noncritical and supportive guidance, and strong female role models who can engage and guide our young men without compromising themselves, our young men are vulnerable to this. 

Where do Manosphere ideals fail young men?

The rage bait fuels the controversy, which fuels views and internet commentary and ultimately, sales that support the dream for those at the top, whilst subscribers at the bottom find less and less satisfaction in life due to the growing distance between what they want and reality. Conversely, the Manosphere ideals result in less and less genuine female interest and interaction, decreasing a man’s attractiveness to women, whilst increasing ostracism from those parts of society that succeed in achieving the dream and could potentially provide mentoring. The resulting lack of connectivity with society fuels feelings of failure, anger and subsequent female blaming and misogyny. Resentment and self doubt fuel the need for more validation from “manly” influencers with the promise of further tips on how to achieve the dream, with some committing money in the process.

What kind of relationship with women do Manosphere influencers actually want?

It seems the Manosphere influencer seeks a woman who gives them freedom to conduct themselves in any way they so choose, whilst simultaneously providing domestic servitude and unconditional love, validation, reassurance and unquestioning loyalty - which seems to fit the role of mother more than romantic partner. Not surprising that the target audience is teenagers - the age where young men push boundaries to achieve individuation, more autonomy and independence, whilst simultaneously needing to know they can experience and explore the world whilst having a safe base of love and acceptance. It is also the age of emerging sexuality and social experimentation, where the pressure of society’s expectations around achievement are introduced and begin to weigh heavily, all whilst being fed a diet of social media designed to increase compulsive behaviours, (such as scrolling, anxiety, porn, substances, behaviours etc) and decrease self esteem. 

How can we reach and support our young men influenced by those who promote a lifestyle of female subjugation?

Perhaps our most effective tool is to keep the lines of communication open (accept, support, encourage), and lead by example. Obviously, by demonstrating respect for women - a male role model who respects his partner demonstrates his appreciation. Unfortunately, in some relationships, women find themselves being resented if a partner does not receive the female servitude he expects, or in other words, feels entitled to receive. If a man has grown up with a woman who has blindly provided the lion's share of such service whilst also accepting a lack of respect, he may experience subconscious, internalised misogyny. 

In our society our young men are actively discouraged to identify and share their emotions. This means they struggle to understand their process - which is “therapy speak” for understanding that: when (this) happens, I feel (this), I think (this) and I do (this). In a world of toxic masculinity, true emotions are replaced and masked by feelings of anger and are suppressed by projections of blame onto “the system”. If we are to lead by example, we need to be aware of our own process. This can only be achieved through observing our emotions, thoughts and behaviours and what they are caused by, and how they influence our way of relating.This starts with talking about our feelings - a traditionally “unmanly” thing to do. 

How can women help men to be less misogynistic?

We all have a responsibility to support our young men - by encouraging their self reflection, which requires that all of us understand ourselves and our process. When we understand ourselves, we stop people-pleasing, and no longer feel unduly obligated to others. If something doesn't feel right for you, listen to your inner voice. If you pretend to yourself and to your partner that something is ok when it isn't, you are not serving yourself nor your relationship, nor any children you may have, nor wider society. If you are accused of being the problem, take a pause. What is actually going on? Are you told you are not enough, and you believe this?

Societally, we have traditionally been encouraged to see sexuality through the male lens and certain male attitudes to sex can be influenced by toxic stereotypes and born from accessing porn from a young age that presents an unrealistic view of sexuality. For women, if the sexual relationship is dissatisfying or pressured, this can shut off access to sexual desire, and women can then be blamed for a “lack of sex drive” or not doing enough sexually, when in reality their sexual interests have not been truly encouraged nor discovered.  If we do not know how we genuinely feel (as opposed to how we react emotionally), we cannot expect to communicate with our partners and be understood and for our relationships to flourish. We therefore have a responsibility to know ourselves in order to support all our relationships, including those with our young men.

We massively undervalue the important and necessary task of domestic servitude with lower wages, condescension and shaming with the idea that a person should aim higher. As these tasks are often provided by mothers, and as they are sometimes, but not always, more important to women, we perpetuate a lack of respect for women in general. If you are selflesslessly providing domestic services to someone (especially someone who is not a child), and are simultaneously disrespected, stop offering the service.

How can we help young men be drawn back into society?

If our young men are not taught and encouraged to do so, they can become confused as to what gives them a genuine sense of purpose and belonging, without which keeps them trapped in a cycle of disappointment, resentment, anxiety and self criticism. In our modern society, we are sometimes unwilling to ask our young men to contribute to the household - by doing chores, tasks, or any other age appropriate contribution where they can gain a sense of responsibility and belonging. During the teen years, our young men seek individuation and become desirous of validation and respect of older men, and resenting mother’s involvement - but also accepting her service. If we do not allow and encourage our young men to take responsibility for themselves nor to contribute to anything, they are denied a lesson in self worth. Just ripe for the picking to sign up to hear another “manly” man selling the “manly” dream of big muscles, fast cars, money to burn and free sex provided by many women who won't question their behaviours and who support all their desires.

The truth is - a man who knows his self worth is comfortable in his own skin. He does not need outward signs of “success” to validate who he is. He may possess these things and be content that he does so. He cherishes his partner who supports and accompanies him in his journey through life in whatever way that works - for each party.