How to handle a Narcissist

Do you have a friendship with a person who you feel compelled to spend time with, yet when you come away from them, you feel demoralised and bad about yourself? Maybe you feel obligated, or that they need you. It could be that you're being placed on a pedestal or love bombed. Perhaps you are in a situation where there is a narcissist in your circle who is charming, makes an effort socially and provides good company. What if they are fun, generous and you enjoy aspects of their company? What if you know that at this point, they enjoy your company? What if they play an important role in your social circle? The fear is that you will lose a lot by not seeing them. If you don't feel in control of yourself in your friendship with a narcissist, you may have more work to do. If you are in a romantic relationship with a narcissist, it may cause you to question everything about yourself and you may need to accept that it is unlikely to continue, or end well for you.

How can I make my relationship with a narcissist work?

You can trust a narcissist - to behave exactly as expected.  The more you understand why a narcissist behaves the way they do and how they get validation from their interactions with others, the more you can recognise when they are projecting their insecurities onto you. When you spend time with them, you will need to accept and remember that this is not a usual relationship of mutual exchange where you provide each other with love and support. Recognise that they will take the opportunity to work on your insecurities, particularly if you spend time together one on one, and discovering your self doubt gives them a sense of superiority. Recognise that a narcissist needs to feel in control of you - once you do this, you are back in a position of power - over yourself. Initially they may have revered you but as your time together goes on they will become disdainful when your presence ceases to serve them and they project their insecurities onto you. It is your responsibility to yourself to pull back emotionally, take stock and really focus on and understand your feelings. If you decide the relationship is worth it to you, you will need to examine your emotional process, to enable you to identify if this is your stuff to work on, or if it is their stuff and ignore it or let it go. You may not improve your relationship, but you will improve your sense of wellbeing.

The pain of experiencing narcissistic behaviour

You are “loved” and admired by a narcissist and will have been groomed in the form of love bombing to elicit a firm and captivating bond, which, depending on your unique psychodevelopmental factors, need only be breadcrumbed over time to maintain. They may try to possess you and isolate you by controlling the narrative in mutual friendships with behind the scenes gossip, leaving you feeling confused and adrift. They may try to colour your opinion of those important to you with disparaging comments, born of envy but designed to cause you to question if others actually love you, or your ability to create good relationships.  A narcissist may deny and dismiss you and argue emphatically that you are wrong and they are right. They may resent your achievements, be jealous of you and punish you with subtle or obvious put downs and veiled or overt insults, leaving you feeling confused and questioning yourself, your choices and decisions, fearing consequences if you don't meet those spoken or unspoken obligations.

Their aim is to create self doubt in you and have you believe that they are your best source of support.

The pain of being a narcissist

It may not seem so, however narcissists are fragile people and need you for validation and narcissistic supply.  You can be fairly certain that your narcissist has experienced relationships where those they have admired before have let them down and disappointed them. If you haven't disappointed them enough yet, you are still important to them, but only for what you can provide.

A narcissist has an acute ability to detect insecurities in others and will hone in on your need to please. They can completely devalue your self worth in your relationship. This is because the alternative, i.e. acknowledging that they are not the only one that matters in the relationship, is too confrontational and damaging to their fragile ego. They may initially revere you, but jealousy causes them to criticise you for the very things that they want for themselves and provides a renewed motivation to work on your insecurities.

A narcissist will only experience the wider world through the lens of their own beliefs, therefore your expression of joy or satisfaction at your experiences or achievements will cause them to look negatively upon their own and resent you for yours, rather than be happy for you. They will passive aggressively punish you for this, or for expecting to have your own opinions, desires, wants and will resent you for, in their eyes only, taking the spotlight. They will view your struggles as perceived "weaknesses" and use them to bolster their own inflated ideas about their superiority.

So ask yourself what drives a person to do this? Why do they need to behave this way instead of just bringing their authentic selves to a friendship in an open hearted fashion, trusting that others will provide them with nourishing support, like you do? Ask yourself, why would a person need to direct such underhand, passive aggressive behaviour my way, rather than just tell me what they want from me? These questions aren't rhetoric, when you really think about it, whatever answers you conclude will reveal the depth of their insecurities.

A relationship on such terms is unsustainable, eventually you will no longer provide what they need  i.e. a person they simultaneously admire and resent, who provides endless reassurance, total availability and compliance. When this happens, once again, they haven’t found satisfaction and their subconscious, deep fear of their own worthlessness is compounded. You become useless and they move on, needing to find a new supply - and fast.  It's not you - narcissism is an empty place to be.

Can I have a relationship with a narcissist?

You ask “what is there in a relationship if I can't be my authentic self, or I am having to monitor and be cautious about every interaction I have?” There will always be a need to be careful and protect yourself in a relationship with a narcissist, however it is possible to be your authentic self without worrying about what you do or say.  Accept that the narcissist isn't going to change. In order to change, a narcissist has to be accepting they aren't always right, and because that's very threatening, it’s unlikely to happen. As a narcissist struggles to feel empathy for others, be truly vulnerable, and accept responsibility for their part in any issues between you, you are unlikely to develop a truly connected relationship. Accepting this will give you the freedom to step back and observe what is happening in your relationship. Learn about narcissism and apply those learnings to your relationship.

How can I protect myself in a relationship with a narcissist?

Perhaps the best defence against a narcissist is to know and accept yourself, know your emotional process and feel confident to keep your distance. Remember, you don't need to be right - stop justifying and explaining your decisions, actions and opinions.

Acknowledge your sensitivities and those things about yourself you would like to improve, seek to develop and better those, even by tiny increments.  If there are things about yourself or your life that you would prefer to be different but that can't be, seek to accept this wholly. Be open with yourself about this, and others if it is safe to do so.

Develop and strengthen relationships where you are unconditionally loved and accepted, where you feel comfortable and can bring yourself without a sense of unease, obligation, fear you've done something wrong or will be judged unfairly.

Work to understand why you are drawn into and wish to maintain your relationship with a narcissist. Seek to fully understand how your upbringing, early wounds and relating and attachment styles impact your need to engage with them in the way you do.

If you think it's of value, work out how your presence benefits your narcissist and how it doesn't. When you know how your presence is serving them, you can make a decision whether you want to accept their invite - if it will serve a purpose for YOU. Once you know this, you will not be offended when you are left out of something as you will understand - it’s not you. This will give you control of your emotional process. If you think you are being invited to something because your narcissist genuinely respects and loves you, think again - you simply provide something for them.  That’s not to say you don't provide them with enjoyment - you may well do, however you cannot expect to get back that which you offer to the relationship. Not knowing how it is you are actually serving your narcissist will leave you confused as to why your relationship doesn't deepen - when you are making the effort and doing all the right things to support the relationship. If your narcissist is at a younger life stage, they may yet have to understand the personal cost of hopping from one romantic relationship, friendship or social group. However, the older your narcissist gets, the more lonely and self doubting they may become.

Work with a therapist who can help you understand yourself and your struggle. Keep a journal, recording your exchanges with your narcissist to help understand your trigger points and your process.

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