The Inner Critic - Stop negative self talk

Sick of your inner critic?

Chances are, if you have an inner dialogue that is constantly berating, harshly critical and judgemental, you are already familiar with your inner critic. No doubt you have exhausted yourself listening to its tireless, self sabotaging messages and have probably bored yourself at times with its tedious relentlessness.  In case you are unsure, the inner critic is the voice in your head that causes self doubt, tells you you’ve done it wrong, nobody likes you, you were always going to mess it up anyway and other such variations. Your inner critic is one of the unhelpful thinking habits - an anxious behaviour you have developed in an attempt to soothe yourself from experiencing a difficult emotion.

What triggers negative self talk?

Boiling it down to the lowest common denominator, you may notice it is strongest when there is an enhanced risk of losing connection with others. Any form of stress or anxiety about something where you put yourself out there, eg an interview, attending a social event, hosting a social event, presenting in front of others, etc. Any event really, where a deep fear of being ostracised and isolated is activated. Your perfectionist tendencies may trigger the inner critic to work overtime, as can experiencing any low emotional state, which causes us to ruminate. 

When and how did my inner critic form?

Your critic forms in early infancy. When we experience an event, e.g. spilling our food on the floor and our parent is frustrated with us, we form a behavioural response, (thinking, emotional, relational) to that event. Our emotional response (fear) intensifies the experience. When this is repeated, our pattern of response develops, our inner critic is born. To explain further, humans are hardwired to attach, for needs of protection and nurturing. Our way of relating is connected to that of our caregivers, if we feel accepted, we feel safe and loveable, if we feel rejected, we feel unlovable and unaccepted and experience self doubt and shame. There are plenty of opportunities to feel rejected as a child, as we learn through mistakes and we make plenty of them. Societally, we use rejection as a tool to discipline, children learn to behave according to those expectations and norms in order to be accepted.

The feelings of self criticism, unworthiness and shame when disconnected from our caregiver become internalised, are stored deeply in our subconscious and form the bedrock of our inner critic. We rely on our caregivers for our very survival and we don't want to risk disconnection, so we have learnt that in order to stay connected, we cannot make mistakes. Our inner critic is the sentinel devoted to this cause. Unfortunately, it can take its job too seriously and can become hypervigilant and over zealous in doing so. 

To protect ourselves from the consequences of mistakes, self criticism and negative self talk become our go to behaviours, which we understand as our inner critic. As we grow older, we move from the immediate family unit to wider family and friends, to education, the world of work and wider society. As we try to maintain connectivity our inner critic steps in at every stage to help us navigate the social minefield and maintain connections throughout. 

Is the inner critic ever useful?

The inner critic has an important role to play, we can appreciate how hard it is working for us. Whilst we can acknowledge your inner critic’s intention is to save you from social ostracism and isolation, its manner is only ever destructive. Seek to befriend your inner critic. Once we have heard it and recognise what it is trying to save us from, e.g. looking foolish, upsetting somebody, causing an accident etc, we can learn from it, thank it for working so hard and let it know “thank you, I've got this, you can let me handle this now”.

Your conscience informs you whether you need to make amends and your desire to do your reasonable, sustainable best is enough.

How to silence your inner critic and stop self sabotaging

• Become self compassionate. Provide yourself empathy and understanding for your situation. What would you say to comfort and support somebody you care deeply about, who is experiencing this pain? 

• Engage in mindfulness, notice what you are thinking and feeling to enable you to avoid reacting instead of responding. 

• Acknowledge your ruminative behaviour, negative core beliefs and unhelpful thinking habits. Become conscious of how you think, improve your inner dialogue and reframe how you see things. Identify where these messages come from (e.g. parents, culture, partner), and if they don't align with your value system, let them go. Bring your inner critic out into the open, say to yourself “Wow I'm self critical today” and think about individual instances to work out what your critic is trying to save you from, apply self compassion as above. 

• Instead of using “should”, change your language to “I prefer to/I prefer not to”

• Capture any flashes of positivity and use these to directly counter your negative rumination.

• Seek out genuine friendships where you are accepted and are at liberty to be your authentic self. Sharing things about your life or yourself that you are ashamed of (if it is safe to do so) helps heal your negative self image. Just as the development of the inner critic occurs within relationships, so too does healing from it occur in relationships.

• Gratitude, gratitude, gratitude. Read The Athena Practice article on Gratitude here: theathenapractice.co.uk Create gratitudes for those achievements you are thrilled to have accomplished. For this exercise only, limit this to ways of relating you are pleased to have done, rather than achieving goals and encouraging perfectionist tendencies. 

• Work to know yourself. Increase your self understanding and self acceptance.

Use these techniques to increase resilience, increase self esteem and find peace. If you find any of this challenging, you may need to explore yourself in a more in depth way. Find a therapist who can support you through this journey.

Remember you're not alone, most people are self critical to some degree.