Attachment

What is an “attachment style”, why does it matter?

Your attachment style refers to the way you form your relationships, seek support and relate to others. These learned ways of relating were formed by the way you were cared for in infancy and are compounded by your continuing experiences throughout life. Attachment styles influence decisions we make, social interaction, how we choose to relate, the type of relationships we have and how we manage our fears, uncertainties and stresses. Secure attachment occurs when our parenting has been consistent, loving and accepting. Insecure attachment can occur if your caregiver experienced life difficulties during your infancy, or if they had an insecure style themselves. Healthy attachment results in less anxiety and depression, greater self certainty and self-esteem, better social skills and increased resilience. 

What conditions cause insecure attachment?

We learn from early infancy our blueprint for how to relate to others. Just as we learnt our insecure styles from our parents, our parents only modelled what they knew. What we learn in infancy is unique to each family and in turn, each family member, dependent on dynamics at the time of each birth/developmental stage. There are many factors that can impact our ability to attach to others securely, resulting from a parent or caregiver’s physical or emotional absence and emotional responses.

This could be caused by factors such as anxiety, depression or other mental health issues, substance use issues, physical, emotional or sexual abuse and trauma, or simply that a parent is not in touch with their own emotions. A parent may feel their emotions intensely and be unable to regulate themselves, resulting in a child experiencing their own emotional dysregulation when subject to their parent’s outbursts, or retreating into themselves if those emotions become too much. Issues can also arise through a recurrent change in caregivers. Stressors such as poverty, domestic living arrangements, illness, relationship issues, demands on a working parent are factors which among others contribute to a parent being emotionally unavailable for a child. 

Types of attachment:

Secure attachment

A securely attached person is able to express their needs and trust that others will listen and respond and be available to them. They trust their own internal compass, are able to be independent and to feel comfortable in close relationships with others. 

When we are securely attached, we engage with the world from a place of certainty, trusting that we will be loved and that we can and do create loving, nurturing, long lasting relationships. There is no need for us to be possessive nor overly protective over the relationships we do have, as we are secure in the knowledge that others care about us and that they in turn have their own needs to be met. We are able to express our needs and wants and because we respect our own and other’s boundaries, we are more likely to accept and respect the needs of others and the requests that we make are reasonable.

We tend to come from a place of wholeness, as there is no need to keep secrets about ourselves, having grown up with acceptance of and respect for who we are. We have developed the skill of being able to accept guidance from a trusted other if the way we are behaving is inconsiderate or unkind. We are compassionate and if we need the support of others we are comfortable to ask for it, and we offer support readily when it is requested. When we behave securely and communicate our needs to those around us, we feel more content with the relationships we have and we have no need to pursue seemingly greener grasses. 

Anxious attachment 

Is born of a worry we will be unloved or abandoned and a strong desire to prevent that happening, we fear rejection and crave love and attention. An anxiously attached person may be preoccupied with their relationship and be on the look out for signs of abandonment, or be intent on pleasing others to the point that they feel they “lose themselves” in relationships.

How does anxious attachment develop?

If our caregiver is inconsistent in their nurturing, an infant can never be certain if their needs are going to be met. To have received love and nurturing when desperately needed sometimes, but on other occasions experience abandonment, creates uncertainty, insecurity, anxiety, and also frustration - love is there but we are being denied it. This simultaneous need for love, and experience of frustration, is directed at the caregiver.

What is anxiously attached behaviour?

When we sense the object of our affections pulling away from us, this causes fear of abandonment and engages our “action stations!” response. We fear that we won't be loved, we doubt ourselves and lose confidence. We then engage in anxious thinking habits (eg mindreading, catastrophising) in an attempt to soothe this pain. We can jump from feeling generally ok about a relationship to very quickly feeling terrible, imagining our partner doesn't love us and wants to leave.  We may try to protect ourselves by angrily thinking of all the reasons we shouldn’t want them (whilst feeling pangs of desire at the same time), however doing this conversely creates a greater need for them and limerence can develop.

We become preoccupied with them and seek for them to prove we are loveable, so get in contact, hoping the act of doing so will provide us with reassurance. However, the fear they don't care causes insecurity that prevents our clear communication. We may ask cryptic or probing questions in an attempt to gauge the depth of their feelings for us, or we may come with a barrage of questions, hoping the conversation itself will soothe the emotions created by our negative fantasy. 

How does anxious attachment affect my relationships?

Our partner is oblivious to our process but confused and frustrated by the indirect and unclear nature of our contact. After all, we are not actually asking them for anything, nor are we contacting them from a place of genuine interest in what they are doing. They may, however, sense our desperation, fear or unspoken resentment. Their response (or no response) may cause us to feel unloved and used which confirms the “truth” of our imagined rejection. This creates further insecurity and so the cycle continues. Our alternating clingy and passive aggressive behaviour is overwhelming for our partner and pushes them away. 

Avoidant attachment 

Is characterised by self reliance, emotional independence, fear of intimacy and an inability to be vulnerable in close relationships. At times of stress or vulnerability, we prefer to be alone and seek distance from others, including those close to us. We feel misunderstood and alone and we may think we don't care about others and they don't care about us.

How does avoidant attachment develop?

It is born of a need to pre-empt and protect ourselves from the pain of being ignored and rejected. In infancy, our caregiver is unavailable to soothe us when we need it, this “rejection” is painful, so we teach ourselves to reduce our need for them by denying (suppressing) those painful emotions. As we grow up, it becomes increasingly difficult to identify feelings and because we don't know how we feel, communication issues arise - we can't express what we don't know.  

How does avoidant attachment affect me? 

We find it hard to trust others with our vulnerability, indeed it is threatening to admit our own vulnerability to ourselves. We avoid our own need for human connection, because we think that if we “need” someone, we are “weak” and not in control.  It is a misconception that avoidants don't care, however, because we have buried our emotions so deeply, we are divorced from them and we just don't know that we care. Avoidant people avoid - avoid our own pain and the pain of disappointing or hurting the other person and the pain of the other person’s pain being projected onto us, it’s easier just to ghost or leave a relationship. 

We avoid open, honest conversation as it risks exposing our deep emotion. We retreat from intimacy, however, once an avoidant person decides it is safe to attach, we really attach, although we may not recognise we have!  In order to avoid our feelings, we keep ourselves constantly occupied. Even in our “downtime” we are tinkering, researching, cleaning, socialising, exercising etc. We may relate on a surface level, preferring conversation about activities, subjects or situations rather than ourselves and our feelings. 

How does avoidant attachment affect my relationships?

We need our own space and can't understand why others don't. Our partner may feel shut out or rejected by our need for solitude. It simply may not occur to us that the other person would want to know. This and our lack of open communication can create insecurity in a partner or friend, because they don't know whether we care about them or not. If we feel let down, we can suddenly lose all interest in a relationship, which is confusing for others. Such incidences erode trust in our relationships and increase the likelihood that relationships never deepen, or don’t last. It wouldn't be so strange for an avoidant person to ghost you then reappear in 3 year’s time, having idealised you as “perfect”, despite relationship difficulties at the time.

Why should I strive for secure attachment?

There is no need to judge yourself for, nor define yourself by, any insecure attachment behaviour. You are not destined to be attracted only to those with insecure attachment and live with it in perpetuity. It is, however, our responsibility (to ourselves) to challenge our insecure attachment style, because an insecure style is likely to get in the way of rewarding and deeply connected relationships and ultimately our life satisfaction. We can all behave securely given the right circumstances, and most of us can be triggered to behave insecurely depending on the situation or attachment style of the other person triggering it. Once we identify and learn about our insecure attachment style, we can challenge it. 

Attachment styles change over time depending on who you choose to be around and secure attachment can be developed. When you learn to observe your behaviour and recognise how you are responding to others, you can make a conscious effort to change your way of being. Fully understanding your insecure attachment style puts you in control and, when you observe and accept the attachment styles of others, the understanding of their behaviour can offer you compassion for them and peace for yourself.

How can I be more securely attached?

Seek to know yourself - learn as much as you can about your style and apply the learning to yourself. Observe your behaviour and seek to recognise when you are coming from an

 insecurely attached place, even in the subtlest of ways.  Label your style and endeavor to do the opposite behaviour every time. 

If you are anxiously attached, identify what you want and express that clearly. Examine your motivations for texting - if you just want connection with your romantic partner, ask for that and don't pretend you are interested in what they are doing if you are not - your inauthenticity will be apparent. If your partner isn't engaging, maybe they aren't ready for a committed relationship, accept that you can't change that. Endeavour to work at communication and understanding how to extract from your partner what they need and want. 

If you are avoidant, work at being with uncomfortable emotions, seek help to do this if necessary. Be consistent and up front and recognise when your partner needs reassurance. Grant it when they ask and eventually their need for reassurance will decrease. Make more effort to enjoy close togetherness and non sexual intimacy. If you feel like retreating, challenge yourself by being with your partner and expressing what you are feeling. If you really need your space, explain your need and reassure them you care and will be loving in a while. If you are feeling lonely, challenge yourself by making contact with someone. 

If you have a disorganised attachment style (not covered in this article) seek a therapist who works with trauma to help you unpack your childhood conditioning.

Copy those who demonstrate a secure attachment style. Find a therapist who can help heal those early wounds. If you can, work to improve your relationships with your parents and family and bring your authentic self to your relationship with them. Be grateful for the learning experience and empowerment that challenging your attachment style offers you.