Shame

What is shame?

Shame is the belief that something is inherently wrong with you. Not just that you did something wrong, but that you are wrong. It's the voice inside your head that says, “I'm bad,” “I'm disgusting,” “I'm unlovable,” or “If people really knew me, they’d leave.” Shame is more than a feeling, it becomes an identity. It buries itself deep into your nervous system and convinces you that your pain is proof that you are broken.

Unlike guilt, which arises from something you’ve done, shame is about who you believe you are. It thrives in secrecy and silence. If guilt tells you “I made a mistake,” shame tells you “I am the mistake.” That distinction matters, because while guilt can motivate growth, shame keeps you stuck.

Where does shame come from?

We learn shame early in our lives. As children, we depend on our caregivers to reflect our worth back to us. If we were ignored, criticised, emotionally abandoned, made to feel too much or not enough, or had the prejudices of others projected onto us, we internalised the belief that we were the problem.  Children blame themselves for everything - because self-blame feels safer than believing those we depend on were not emotionally safe.

Shame can also be passed down through generations, systems, religion, culture, and social expectations. Maybe you were taught that anger is bad, that success makes others uncomfortable, or that needing help is weakness. Shame arises when we suppress our authentic selves to fit the image we think we’re supposed to be.

The result? We carry a private sense of defectiveness. We don’t just feel pain, we believe we are the sum total of that experience. And because shame is so excruciating, we often go to great lengths to avoid feeling it, by people pleasing, numbing ourselves, performing, controlling, or attacking ourselves.

What does shame feel like?

Shame feels like wanting to disappear. It can show up as a hot flush in the body, a tight chest, a sick stomach, a sudden collapse inward. Emotionally, it feels like isolation, worthlessness, humiliation, or self-disgust. It often goes hand in hand with thoughts like“I can’t believe I said that”, “I’m so stupid”, “They’re going to leave me” or “What’s wrong with me?”

Shame often disguises itself as other problems: low self-esteem, perfectionism, anxiety, defensiveness, people-pleasing and depression. It's the root cause hiding under many of our coping mechanisms. We don’t trust that we’re lovable as we are, so we try to earn worth by being useful, quiet, agreeable, successful, or invisible.

What’s the difference between shame and embarrassment?

Embarrassment is temporary and humanising. Shame is internal and paralysing. If you trip over your words in a meeting and blush, you might feel embarrassed, but you move on. If you feel shame, you might spiral into “Everyone thinks I’m stupid,” and avoid speaking up ever again.

Embarrassment is about what happened. Shame is about who you believe you are. That’s why shame lingers long after an event, and why it can feel so hard to explain. It's not just that you did something awkward, it's that you feel exposed, defective, or fundamentally flawed.

How do I know if shame is holding me back?

Shame often shows up in your relationships, work, creativity and emotional life. You might avoid vulnerability, fearing that being seen will lead to rejection. You might struggle to accept compliments, set boundaries, or speak up. You might apologise for existing.

You may also notice patterns like over-apologising or shrinking yourself, being harshly self critical, fear that you are being “too much” or “not enough”, difficulty enjoying success without guilt and constantly needing to prove your worth. 

Shame keeps you in hiding, even when you’re in plain sight. You might show up in life, but never really let yourself be known. Healing means accepting who you are, allowing yourself to be seen and knowing you’re still safe.

How can I heal shame?

The antidote to shame is connection. It cannot survive being spoken aloud to someone safe, attuned, and non-judgmental. This might be a therapist, a trusted friend, or even yourself, through journaling, reflection, or inner child work. You may wish to speak it out loud, saying “I feel so ashamed”. The act of naming your shame and making it known decreases the power it has over you. 

Practice noticing your inner critic. Shame often masquerades as the inner critic.  You don’t have to silence it, but you can question it. Try saying: “This is a shaming thought. It is not the truth.” Over time, you can replace shame-based thinking with more compassionate and accurate reflections of who you are.

Reconnect with your body. Shame lives not just in your mind but in your nervous system. Practices like somatic therapy, breathwork, yoga, and grounding techniques can help you release stored shame and return to a sense of safety in your body.

What does life without shame feel like?

Living life without shame is a relief. You no longer have to pretend to be the person you have been telling others you are. It feels like setting boundaries without guilt. Like saying, “I’m still learning,” without fear of being unlovable. It feels like experiencing emotion without drowning in it, because you know your feelings don’t define your worth.

Without shame running the show, you don’t have to constantly edit yourself. You can admit to being an honest and flawed human, just like everyone else, and still worthy. Shame loses its grip when you stop seeing yourself as the problem and start treating yourself as someone worth protecting.

Healing from shame doesn’t mean you never feel it again, it means you no longer build your life around avoiding it.