People Pleasing

Why Do I People Please?

Have you ever said "yes" when you really meant "no"? Or agreed to something that left you feeling overwhelmed, just to avoid disappointing someone? If so, you're likely caught in the cycle of people pleasing. You want to be liked, avoid conflict, and keep the peace. But in doing so, you often put everyone else’s needs above your own, leading to exhaustion and resentment.

At its core, people pleasing comes from a need for approval and a fear of rejection. You want to feel accepted, and you worry that saying no or disagreeing might push others away. The problem is, every time you abandon your own needs to make others happy, you're sending yourself the message that your feelings don't matter.

What Are the Reasons for People Pleasing?

There’s no single reason why people become people pleasers, often, it’s a combination of personality, upbringing, and past experiences. People pleasing may stem from a fear of rejection, where you believe if you don’t please others, they’ll leave or stop caring about you. You may fear conflict and try to keep the peace and avoid confrontation at all costs. If you suffer low self worth, you may feel like your value comes from what you do for others, not who you are. Your need for compliments, approval, or gratitude from others becomes your main source of feeling good, which can only provide you a certain amount of satisfaction before feeling empty. If you grew up in an environment where your needs were ignored or where pleasing others was the only way to feel safe or loved, likely you have carried this with you into adulthood and this has informed your way of developing relationships.

It often starts with good intentions - kindness, generosity, empathy - but when it becomes a pattern of ignoring your own needs, it can turn toxic.

What Is the Impact of People Pleasing?

On the surface, people pleasing might look like you’re just being “nice” or “helpful.” But underneath, it can take a serious toll on your mental and emotional health. It takes a lot of energy to be liked by all.

Constantly giving to others can leave you drained, resentful, and overwhelmed. Trying to keep everyone happy all the time is an impossible task, leading to exhaustion and increased stress and anxiety levels. When you're always focused on others, you may forget what you want, need, or value and indeed, lose your sense of self in the process. The risk of people pleasing is that you are more prone to attract people who take advantage of your kindness, leading to imbalance or unhealthy dynamics. You are also more likely to bottle up anger, frustration or sadness because you’re too afraid to express it.

Over time, this pattern chips away at your self-worth. And ironically, the more you try to please everyone, the less you feel truly seen or appreciated.

What Is the Root Cause of People Pleasing?

To understand how to stop people pleasing, you have to be honest about where it started. In many cases, the root lies in childhood experiences. Perhaps you grew up in a home where love and affection were conditional - only given when you behaved a certain way or met specific expectations. If you grew up with controlling parents who dictated what activities you “should” do, or were critical of you personally or the way you do things, this may have contributed to your need to seek validation from external sources.

Maybe you were the "good kid" who kept the peace in a tense family. Or perhaps you were taught that putting yourself first is selfish or wrong. These early messages shape your sense of self and become ingrained beliefs, such as “If I say no, they’ll be upset with me” “My needs don’t matter” or “I have to be easygoing to be liked”. As an adult, you continue this pattern without even realising it, but understanding the origin gives you the power to challenge and change it.

If you are a practiced people pleaser, remember that it's not always easier for the other person when you don't have an opinion, because you might be asking them to be responsible to choose a course of action that suits or pleases you. 

Symptoms of People Pleasing

So perhaps you’re wondering if you’re a people pleaser? A common symptom of people pleasing is that you say “yes” even when you’re overwhelmed or exhausted, or you pretend to agree with opinions you don't share, not because you can't be bothered opposing them, but because you worry you won't be accepted if you do. You find yourself apologising often, even when you haven’t done anything wrong. You may avoid conflict at all costs, damaging your relationships by withdrawing yourself or building resentment through unexpressed and therefore unmet needs. Making decisions may be difficult without checking what others think or gaining their approval to act. You feel guilty when you prioritise your own needs and you may feel responsible for how others feel and become anxious when someone is upset with you.

How Do I Stop People Pleasing?

Breaking free from people pleasing is a journey of learning to value yourself as much as you value others. 

Work to identify the reasons you people please and keep an eye on your triggers, pay attention to situations where you automatically fall into people pleasing mode. When you feel yourself about to say “yes” without thinking, pause before responding, take a moment to check in with yourself. If you struggle with this, practice saying “I need to check and get back to you”. To practice saying “no”, start small and don't explain yourself. You don't need to justify why you can't do something, it's enough to say “I won't be able to make it”. Challenge your guilt and remind yourself that self-care isn’t selfish. Everyone expects everyone to have boundaries, including you. Start putting yourself first, make time for your own needs and desires. They are just as valid as anyone else’s. Create gratitudes, when you are successful in taking time for yourself, make a gratitude of it “I’m so grateful I put myself first!”

The more you practise, the more natural it becomes and you come to realise that people will still love and respect you even when you say no.

How Can Therapy Help Me With People Pleasing?

Therapy is one of the most effective tools for overcoming people pleasing. A therapist can help you to explore the root causes of your people-pleasing behaviours and understand your core beliefs and how they were formed. You will likely find yourself building self-worth that isn’t dependent on others' approval and learning healthy boundaries and how to enforce them with confidence. As a natural result, you develop emotional resilience and find you’re not as affected by the reactions and behaviours of others.

Therapy gives you a safe space to process your experiences, gain insight, and practise new ways of showing up for yourself. Understanding your reasons for people pleasing facilitates understanding and self compassion. You’ll learn that your value isn’t tied to always being agreeable and that you can be loved for who you truly are, not just for what you do.

People pleasing may have helped you survive or feel safe in the past, but it doesn’t have to define you anymore. You can choose relationships that are built on mutual respect, not one-sided sacrifice. By becoming more aware of your patterns, setting boundaries, and prioritising your own needs, you can build a more balanced, authentic life.