Loneliness

What is loneliness?

Loneliness is the painful experience of feeling emotionally disconnected, unseen, or uncared for. It’s not the same as being alone, you can feel profoundly lonely in a crowded room, in a romantic relationship, or among friends. When you choose not to share your self with others who invite or provide opportunities to do so, you resist the connection of those others. 

It’s one of the most universal human experiences, and one of the hardest to talk about, because often, we confuse loneliness with shame. If we admit we’re lonely, does that mean we’re unlovable? Broken? Too much? Not enough? Instead of reaching out, we retreat further inward and the loneliness deepens.

Why do I feel lonely even when I’m around people?

Loneliness comes from a lack of connection - to others or to yourself, or to both. You may be surrounded by others, yet feel completely unseen. You might struggle to share your real thoughts, or hide parts of yourself you believe are unacceptable. Carl Jung’s famous words on loneliness suggests exactly this - loneliness is caused by the inability to communicate your internal world, or from having views that offend. Without emotional intimacy, proximity is irrelevant. 

We also feel lonely when we’re disconnected from ourselves. If you're constantly performing, people pleasing, or numbing out, you’re not truly present in your own life and you prevent nourishing relationships by doing so. 

Loneliness can be fed by comparison and other unhelpful thinking habits. Seeing others with what appears to be deep friendships or romantic connections can trigger grief, self-doubt, and withdrawal. You may wonder, “What’s wrong with me?” But the problem isn’t who you are, it's about how you relate. The good news is, you have the power to change this. 

What causes chronic loneliness?

We become lonely when we don't let ourselves connect with our emotional experience. When this happens, we don't know what our needs are and cannot articulate nor communicate them, or when we feel able to, we may not trust others to give us what we need.  

If you learned that your needs were “too much,” or that emotions were weak, or that you had to perform to be accepted, you likely developed a version of yourself that’s palatable, but not authentic. The more you hide who you are, the lonelier you feel because you only allow others to connect to the mask you present, not the real you. If this happens, you wonder “will they even like the real me?”

Loneliness often stems from early emotional experiences where connection felt unsafe, unavailable, or inconsistent. You may have learned not to trust closeness - perhaps it came with strings, rejection, or abandonment. Or maybe no one ever really saw you emotionally. Without an early blueprint of safe, attuned connection, adult intimacy can feel unfamiliar, even threatening.

It may be that you are afraid that if you share your needs with your partner that you will hurt them, so you stay silent and sacrifice yourself for their needs (or imagined needs). This keeps you in loneliness and resentment and compounds your way of relating. This may occur not just in your current relationship, but you may carry this way of relating to all other relationships.

Loneliness can also be triggered by loss, life transitions, identity shifts, trauma, or mental health struggles, however you can choose how you respond to such events, by reaching out, or retreating.

What’s the difference between solitude and loneliness?

Solitude is chosen, loneliness is imposed. Solitude is the beneficial experience of being alone with yourself and feels spacious, restorative and grounded. Loneliness, on the other hand, feels heavy, painful and disconnected.  Solitude is necessary and helps us reset, process and reflect, however, when solitude turns into isolation, especially when driven by fear, shame, or numbness, it becomes loneliness. You stop reaching out, not because you don’t want connection, but because you believe you don’t deserve it, or that it won’t help.

If you’re unsure which you’re experiencing, ask yourself: Do I feel more like myself in this space, or less? Do I feel at peace, or do I feel abandoned? Loneliness pulls us away from ourselves. Solitude brings us back home.

How do I cope with loneliness?

Start by acknowledging how you feel. “I feel lonely.” Acknowledge it as a valid emotional state, not a flaw nor something to be ashamed of. Suppressing the experience of loneliness will prevent you from moving out of it. Loneliness is only the symptom of that need which is unmet. Ask yourself what you need and seek ways to meet that need. Could it be: Connection? Comfort? Understanding? Touch? Presence? Bear in mind it is not always for others to make contact with us, we are equally responsible to reach out and invite others into our lives and to create situations where connections are possible. If you try and don't get the response you want, remember that this is a process, try, try and try again. Whilst we cannot control the responses of others, it is ok to ask for human connection. Stop asking “What’s wrong with me?” and start asking “What do I need?”

How can I build real connection?

If we have developed an established negative thinking pattern it can be difficult to know where to start. It's easy to forget that we can play an effective part in creating the life we want, start by thinking about what that would look like.

It is our responsibility to ourselves to share our thoughts and feelings (when it is safe to do so), which will make us feel connected if the other person is interested and listening to us. Aim to be authentic and show up honestly. True connection requires vulnerability and we may need to take risks. Think of questions you might ask someone that you have a genuine curiosity to know. Share your internal experience and be present, give people the chance to meet you, not a persona you have created.

Seek out safe, attuned relationships - people who make space for you as you are. This may take time. Where that doesn’t exist yet, create it. Think about what it is you enjoy doing and seek others who share similar interests to enable opportunity to connect. If this is a struggle for you, the work first comes in knowing and understanding yourself and how you feel. If you are in a close relationship and feel lonely, think about how you could express your needs and wants, and if you aren't doing this, think about what is it that I need and want? And then how can I express what I need and want clearly? 

What does life look like when I stop believing I’m alone?

When you enjoy the moments of genuine connection you share with others, you create new neural pathways that encourage further growth. Through accepting that others enjoy your company, you realise that your past way of relating has blocked contact with others. You stop bracing for rejection and start allowing closeness and you discover that connection is everywhere, when you allow yourself to have it. And perhaps most importantly, you stop turning your loneliness into a personal failure. You become more self compassionate and you can turn your focus to the positive rather than the negative.