Anger Issues

Why am I so angry all the time?

Do you go through life quick to anger, volatile or battle ready? You may be reactive in your relationships, which have been, and are still are, affected by your anger, or perhaps you disappoint and dislike yourself for losing control. You may come across people too often who seem equally combative, or situations that seem unfair and have been sent to test you. 

If you find yourself with anger issues often, you may struggle to express yourself and clearly articulate your needs and wants, indeed you may not even know how you feel or why you are so angry. You may have a vicious inner critic and find it easy to mistrust and be critical of others, expecting them to be critical of you.  If you are unaware of why you feel so angry, you may suppress your emotions out of habit and favour a “get on with it” approach.  

When we don't know what causes our anger, we are not in control and are at its mercy. If your anger is uncontrollable and impacts your life, there may be something deeper going on.

What causes my anger?

Anger is always a secondary emotion, it happens after we feel an initial emotion, such as feeling hurt or let down, transgressed, shamed, dismissed etc. You may have developed negative thinking patterns, eg catastrophising, comparing yourself to others, being self critical, or thinking you know what others think of you (all symptoms of anxiety), which causes these initial emotional responses in you, which then result in anger. Perhaps you are experiencing a stressful time in your life and struggling to manage, or you may have experienced traumatic events in your past which you continue to suppress, but the symptoms continue to seep out. It may be that you feel responsible for the wellbeing of others (even if you are not) and that you are falling short which creates guilt. Such circumstances cause us to suppress emotion and therefore separate from ourselves. When this happens, we cannot tell others what is happening for us, because we don't know. When we can't communicate, we can't connect with others, which creates distance, we feel isolated and worthless and can become lost in a cycle of anxiety, anger and depression. 

Is anger always bad?

We view anger as “bad” and when uncontrolled, it is problematic. However, if we change how we think about anger, and view it as an emotional response that is telling us something is going on that contradicts our needs, wants, values or beliefs, we can understand anger simply as information, that something is happening that I don't like or agree with. 

It's important to recognise that feeling angry is normal, particularly in response to feeling that a situation is unfair or that someone has crossed a boundary. We can use our anger productively, as a driving force to defend or advocate for ourselves, motivate us to change and set boundaries with others. However, when anger negatively impacts our interactions with others, this information is telling us that we need to change something within ourselves.

The impact of anger on others

If your anger is uncontrolled, those close to you may feel fearful of your anger. They may be walking on eggshells around you, waiting for the next explosion or fear that if they pipe up at the wrong moment, it will be directed at them. When you demonstrate that you are unable to control yourself or make the effort to understand your internal process, others may lose respect for you, which may cause you to feel more angry and self critical and so the cycle of anger continues. You may feel that expressing your anger demonstrates to the other person how deeply you feel about a subject, however, all that the other person experiences and observes is that you aren't in touch with and can't control yourself. If they feel they cannot broach difficult subjects with you, they may stop trying and feelings of resentment and frustration build, damaging your relationship. Anger causes emotional distance, destroys intimacy and erodes trust. 

Accept responsibility for your anger and your actions, nobody else makes you behave the way you do, you are reacting to your own triggers. Acknowledge how it impacts and influences arguments and can contribute to and shape the outcome of a situation.

Anger Management?

A quick google search reveals the many practical tips on anger management, e.g. walking away to cool off before reacting, counting 1-10 before responding, exercising etc. However, if you have tried these basic techniques and they aren't effective, you may need deeper work in understanding yourself. 

The first step to managing your anger is to acknowledge it, say out loud “I feel so angry!” It sounds simple but if we skip this initial step we deny ourselves the right to further understanding and self compassion. If anger happens often, it becomes harder to recognise when it is happening. 

Once you acknowledge and accept your anger, seek to understand yourself and work to identify what you are actually feeling. Ask yourself “why do I feel this way?” and be honest with yourself about the answer. Working with a therapist can facilitate this process and help you access suppressed emotion.

You may uncover negative thinking patterns, which can be challenged and resolved. You may discover that certain situations or characteristics of others will trigger unconscious, angry feelings and behaviours within you. You may uncover deeply buried shame, guilt or self hatred. The exploration of such instances enables you to discharge the anger energy you have been holding on to, and to remain in contact with your rational mind when challenging situations arise. You choose how to respond and remain centred where previously you have lost control. 

Through such therapeutic work, you find it easier to accept yourself and others. This isn't to say you won't feel angry when challenged, however, instead of being at the mercy of your defensive reactiveness, unreasonable behaviour and response to feeling criticised by others, those behaviours no longer have the same power over you that they once did. 

We can think about assertion as healthy anger. Once you know yourself you use your emotional process to inform you and then others what you need and want. Once you articulate to others what you need or want, they can choose whether to align themselves with your ideas or not. 

We don't need to agree with everyone and we don't need to be right. However, if you experience a lot of people disagreeing with you, it may be that there is something you aren't acknowledging. Ask yourself - am I certain to my core that this is what I want to do, or do I need to learn something? If I am not getting the result that I want, what is it that I actually want, and what do I have to do to get it?, or  how can I help someone else to understand how much this impacts me? Have people told me something about the way I do things that I have not been hearing?

Want to understand more? Get in touch theathenapractice.co.uk